Baked beans need eight minutes in the microwave
Like all Brits my main source of nutrition is our national dish - baked beans.
But the sad reality is that many of my countryfolk are eating substandard beans that have been mis-cooked.
This post explains how to cook your baked beans perfectly.
tl;dr - Branston, eight minutes, microwave, lid.
Firstly, for perfect beans they must be Branston's - no others compare. If you really can't find Branston anywhere then Morrisons own-brand ones will do, but do not fall for the Heinz propaganda - they're taking you for a fool, trading off their once-good name to sell sad little pebbles barely even worthy of being called beans. Sickening.
Secondly, you need to microwave the beans for eight minutes, with something covering the top of your microwavable vessel to keep the moisture in. I recommend cooking in a Pyrex jug with a silicone lid.
Now at this point you're probably screaming "but the tins say 3 minutes!" at your screen. But the tins are wrong - that's nowhere near enough. I don't know why Branston put this inaccurate information on their product but I guess they figure all the other bean tins says three minutes and it's a competitive market, or it's because three minutes means the beans will be "done" at the same time as your toast, or something.
Three minutes just heats the beans - booooring! At eight minutes the beans get softer and the sauce gets thicker. The full, glorious potential of the tin is achieved.
Actor Steve Coogan - who I once thought was quite clever - was on the Off-Menu podcast (Episode 211) where he made it clear that he doesn't microwave his beans for long enough. To quote:
"When you microwave beans, they come out hot and hard. Hot, mini bullets in, sort of, watery tomato sauce. What you need to do is-, when you're doing a breakfast, the first thing you put on is the beans and really let them break down. It's almost like-, almost to the level of mushy peas but not quite. So they're sort of mushy beans. Then they're much nicer to put on your breakfast. So don't-, anyone who puts beans in the microwave I think is-, I know they're probably-, maybe they're busy and they probably don't like people saying that but I just think it's about quality of life at the end of the day."
You're right about the beans being better when they break down, Steve, but you can achieve that in the microwave - it just takes eight minutes!
You might be tempted to follow Steve Coogan's advice about cooking beans in a pan for a long time, but here are the reasons that eight minutes in the microwave is better:
You don't have to stir. Try cooking beans in a saucepan for ages without stirring! Some will get stuck to the pan. That's wasted beans!
There's less mess. No sauce splatters out because you've put a cover on, and you don't have to get a wooden spoon dirty.
It's faster. The microwave starts cooking your beans immediately, but with a saucepan it takes a while to get going.
It's more reliable. Eight minutes in the microwave will give you perfect beans 100% of the time - good luck achieving that on a stove!
Alright - I've said my piece. You can take it on board and have superior baked beans from now on, or ignore it and live a life of sub-par beans. It's your call.
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